Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Excuse Me

A lil' play on the old saying "your slip is showing"....I guess I didn't think anyone would get it if I didn't add my fuckin' age showing or what??

Pardon me mam .........your bitchiness is slipping .
I mean ......your slip is no what I mean is your bitching is slipping..................awe shit .....
Your being a bitch!!!!
And friends......that's one of the nice voices in my head!!!
You'll all be happy to know that I have calmed down.....with the help of Tylenol PM.....and a few drinks............That's right I said a few drinks and it's after 12......... so don't judge me people!!!
Oh by the way.......Aunt Flo arrived.......surprised huh?

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

I'm P!$$ed Off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG I'm so fuckin pissed I'm shaking. The asshole Mike at Allstate insurance co. has taken a dislike to me.Condescending bastard. We agreed on a price he said he just needed to talk to the highway patrol that recovered my car and arrested the punk that stole it. Talk to the officer???? What the fuck does he think these guys do??? If they talked to claim adjusters they wouldn't have time for anything else!!!! Dumb fuck!!! And he wants me to get the report for him!! Who's gonna do my job while I do his??!!! So I called the agent.....girl named Kristen.....she doesn't work in claims so she not sure whats going on.
I said -------You go find out and call me back.
Oh yea I had lots of other stuff to say. But I won't bore you with all the details. Bottom line I told Kristin to let me know what needed to be done.
All that was needed was the highway patrol report.
Then today I get a letter that was mailed out yesterday after he talked to Kristen..........He wants me to sign something giving him the right to look at all our financial statements , the right to search my property!!!!!!!!!! Cell phone records 2 days before and 2 days after the car was stolen!!!!!
What the fuck is wrong with this picture?????
Ummmmm maybe the fact that I'm the god-damn victim!!!!!!!
I called lil' Kristen back..............she was subjected to the full "I'm white trash and pissed off" talk!!!! She said she understood where I was coming from. Really!!!!! Really????!!!! I don't think so . I told her that I would only deal with her . I refuse to talk to him and if I had to be miserable dealing with that dickhead Mike she could be miserable with me.
She was very calming , said she would take care of it and call me back.
Well who the fuck wouldn't be calming with a crazy woman on the phone?!!!
Friends I'm not even going to try to find my happy Place until I simmer for awhile............shit I was feeling bitchy before all this happen Shit head Mike just gave me something to point my gun at!!!
And while Bud Man is pissed off too...... he is content to let me deal with them. He is such a non-confrontal person , while I'm gonna relish my righteous anger!!!!!
Fucking,Bastard,Dick Cheese,Mike from Allstate!!!!!!!!

Btw .........when the fuck did gonna become a word ??? I just noticed it went by spell check!!

Monday, September 22, 2008

Man or Potato Head?????

A few years ago Bud Man was coaching Sporty Girls softball team and one of the the Single Moms had a crush on him. She was always touching his arm or sitting next to him with her hand on his leg.
Now you don't know this , but Bud Man is quite shy. He gets that deer in-the-headlights look and freezes. It makes him very uncomfortable when anyone other then me touches him. My friend Tami and I found this absolutely hilarious!! We'd sit in the bleachers and watch the exchange. Or we'd be at the house having some after game drinks and she'd corner him on the couch or something. It got to where he wouldn't sit unless he knew where she was. Oh man ......................I love to see him squirm.
One day we were sitting in the bleachers and she turns to me and says

SMom----"What a good father Bud Man is."

Me------I just raise one eyebrow

SMom----- "Does he have a brother?" She says half joking but I knew she was half serious.

Me-------"Yes he does ........he's nothing like Bud Man ."

Smom----(sighs)------" I wish I could find a man like that."

Me------- I'm thinking.........Well maybe you should look somewhere other than the bar. That doesn't seem to be working for you.

Smom--------"You just don't know how LUCKY you are. "

Me---------"Luck!!! Luck???? Bitch........Do you think he came out of the box that way?!!!! Hell no !! Do you think I just found him walking around like this !! It's like a Mr. Potato Head ......if you can find a blank potato your in luck...snatch that bitch up!!!! Don't let that get away from you 'cause they are few and far between....especially the older you are!!! Most of them aren't blank you have to take all the shit his mother and ex-girlfriend....or god forbid an ex-wife did, and get rid of all that , then start putting your own shit back on. You can't do it all at once or he'll topple over. And you'll have to find a new Potato . You have to do it gradually so he doesn't even know it's there......that's why it takes years!!! And maybe.............just maybe, if your really lucky................. it'll stick!!!!"

Bud Man, I know you secretly read my blog so just know that....................that's NOT what I did !!..........I just said that to her . Really.
I knew you where already perfect when I met you. I was just trying to get her to lay off........I said it all for you.

Is he gone??.............Did he buy it???? Phew that was close!!!!

Thursday, September 18, 2008


Here she is, Miss Cheer ,with her Permit to drive. That's my new car she's getting ready to drive. Look at how happy she is . Friends I'm scared......for me having to ride with her,for my new car,for her.

This whole thing of being a mother and teaching your children is really kind of a drag.......oops did I just show my age?
Aha.....the other naives have sensed that something has changed for one of them, and they came out to investigate!!!
Look at them .....all smiley faces......the poor clueless suckers.
We are off to drop Prince C at football practice then to take her and Sporty Girl to Cheer practice.
Driving!!!! She half floors the gas and stomps on the brakes!!! Oh my poor nerves!! I wonder .........I know a adult has to be in the car while she's driving ......but does that adult have to be sober?????

Monday, September 15, 2008

Last week was a "shit for week"!!!!!

I had my car stolen Monday morning. they found it later that day, totaled!!! Dumb punk ass kid apparently couldn't handle my turbo charged engine!!! Dumb Fuck!!!
  • Tuesday we spent looking for cars and trying to figure out how much we were going to get from the insurance company.
  • Wednesday my Ebook reader froze and then erased 102 books. I almost cried!!!
  • Thursday the insurance company offered us a ridiculously low amount of money for my car. After haggling we finally settled on a number ( and by haggling I mean we bent over and took it up the ass!!!)
  • Friday just to round things off nicely ,my In-Laws arrived in town!!!!

COME ON!!!!!! Really?!!!! What a fucked up week. Breathing deep.........thinking of "happy place "........drinking a beer.......reading my Ebook reader....... driving my car......Oh shut up it's my" happy place" I can drink and drive and read if I want......I'm a Mother of four I can multitask that way!!!..........and while I'm at it I think I'll imagine myself 20 again!!!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008


Me: Hellllo Von Cockroach

Cockroach: Vhat?.........Vhere?...............Me?

Me: Yes you

Cockroach: No no you mistake me I am .....(clears throat)..........Mr. Palmetto Bug.

Me: No what you are is a fuckin cockroach!

Cockroach: No No , you only think I'm a cockroach.......

Doorbell rings

Out of town Guest: "Hi !!!! We made it ,what a horrible flight , but we're so happy to be here with you in Florida. I was just........(screams)................WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!!!!!!!"

Me: "What...... that? Oh that just a Florida Palmetto Bug.....No big deal really. Just a little ole bug. Their really harmless."

I say out of the side of my mouth........."Oh I'm so gonna kill your nasty ass when they leave"

Cockroach with smirk smile " You can try."

Monday, September 8, 2008

Public Humiliation #5,483

Background------2door,Red Pontiac Grand Prix Super Charged!! ( I love my car)

Set-up------ Me driving 87mph on interstate, every car in front of me is a challenge I. Must. Pass! full tank of gas, weaving in and out of traffic,windows down,radio blasting,me singing at the top of my lungs!!!
Doing all my Friday errands. Sure I received a few looks............

Go to get in my car that night and notice something not right.....

What's this?
Something hanging out of the trunk?
A white nylon strap from Prince C football pad hanging out,right in the middle, just brushing the ground........

You know, with as fast as I drive that strap had to be waving in the air behind my red car .........

I looked like a bloody huge tampon!!!!!!

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Kudos to you Louisiana!!

OK I'm not knocking Louisianians but.........
Everyones talking about how well prepared they were for Gustav.....
Are you fucking kidding me?!!
Come on ......
How could you not be after Katrina?!!
If you didn't get your ass out of the city after that big fuck fest I don't know what it would take to get them people moving.....
And Yea!!! The levees held?!!.........OK isn't that what they are there for?!

Now don't go thinking I'm unsympathetic to the plight of the people hit by Katrina..........I am....I realize what a tragedy it was.
It's just that if they can't take precaution after that I think maybe we would have had to cut them off......
Maybe vote them off the island, so to speak!!!!
Let them make their own country!!!!
What would they do?!
Storm Washington?!!!
They won't leave for a Hurricane why would they leave for that???
Anyway the point is they did leave and they were prepared and being from Florida I do realize how scary and devastating Hurricanes can be .
So good for them !!!!!!!

Oh and have you seen Hanna?!!
Shes weaving around like a drunk bitch trying to dance on the bar with Ike right up her ass!!!!