Thursday, July 31, 2008

Rich Homeless Guy

Bud Man and I were stopped at a red light. There was a homeless guy on the side of the street with a sign asking for money. I was feeling especially blessed so I told Bud Man to give him a dollar.......(I said I felt blessed not rich!!)
As Bud Man reached for his wallet he says to me with exasperation in his voice
"I'll give him a dollar but you know he probably makes more money then I do ."
"REALLY?!! Well don't your parents feel foolish for spending thousands of dollars on your collage education? Oh and by the way I'll make a sign for you tonight , I think I just found you a second job!!!"

Monday, July 28, 2008


This is one of my first post. I reposted (is that a word?) because football and cheer season has started and it never seems like enough time in the day soooooo I'm being lazy
These are the kind of pictures I find when my children have the camera. Let us take a closer look.

Is my son picking his ass?

The TV ...... is that Howdy Doody on?

And that exercise thing.......... Where in the hell did that come from?

OK stay with me things get a little strange from here.

Do you see it?? Do you? Yep that's a Christmas present on that table!!! It's May!!!!!!!!!!

Oh and beside it hanging on the chair.........the powder blue thing.......THAT'S A SKI JACKET!!!!!!!!!

People we live in Florida and I've never even been snow skiing!!!!!!!!!

OK,OK I can take a hint .........I'm going to clean up the garage.

P.S. My garage doesn't look like this any's gotten worse....well I did tell ya all I'm lazy but I'm going to blame it on the kids because I'm the Mama ....and thats one of the perks of the job!!!

Saturday, July 26, 2008

I can't spell!!

I'm cruising around different blogs.........just checking them out and I found the coolest thing!!!
Noble Pig ---has spell check on the comment page......which is freaking awesome!!! Since I can't spell worth shit!!!!! I spell so bad Spell Check can't even guess at the word I mean !!! I'm not kidding!!! It took me trying to spell REEVALUATE 3 times before it gave me the word I was looking for while writting a post.
I've had to change the whole word I was trying to spell or I just don't leave a comment. If being able to not spell was a real handicap........I'd be getting a check from the Government!!!
"Why don't you use your computer spell check?" You ask
Simple..............I'm way to damn lazy!!!!
And God-Forbid I holler out asking the KEEP at large how to spell something and my 9yr comes back with the answer....(yes I spell so bad even a 9 yr old can show me up)..........then for the next day I have to listen to
"Hehehe Mama.....Remember when you didn't know how to spell (word)?
and I had to help you? And it was sooooo easy!!!!"
My 9 yr son thinks I can't remember what just happen.This is how he starts most conversation. Remember that time......even if said time happened 5 min ago..........????
Anyway I Thank You Noble Pig might be seeing more of me ,leaving comments with words like divestiture......Ummm which I have no idea what means....But I could use 'cause you have Spell Check on your comment page.Never mind I have no idea of punctuation....or the correct use of a word I will look smart leaving comments 'cause you have spell check and that is an AWESOME thing!!!!!

Friday, July 25, 2008

No Habla Englisz

I was fooling around with the phone and programmed it to answer in Spanish.........just for shits and giggles.....what can I say I was bored!!!
Three days later Sporty Girl called me on my cell phone from a friends house.
"Mom where are you?!! "
"Home. Why"
"I can't get through to the home phone!!! I keep dialing the wrong number!"She says
"What you mean you don't know your home phone number?!!!!! Your 12yrs old.What?!! " I angerly ask
"I don't know I keep getting some Mexican man!!!"she tells me
"Mexican man? ....WTF?....Oh yea I remember now......"
hehehehe..................I got a good chuckle out of that.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Sing to me Willie!!!

If the word fuck offends you...your gonna want to leave now!!!
To all the cars I've flipped off before
Who've traveled in and out my lane
I'm pissed they came along
I dedicate this Bird
You really are a jerk..........
To all the people that don't know how to drive....
I give you the One Finger Majestic Bird........FUCK YOU!!!!
People you can't multitask..let alone talk on the phone while looking at directions....and not even bothering to check to see if your in your own damn lane!!!!!!!!!!.......Yea take your half out of the middle!!!!!
We all live on planet Uisanass!!!
And 90yr old man..... if all I can see is the top of your head......... what the fuck can you see?!!! Nothing that's what. I specially like to cuss you people along with my salute 'cause your so old you can't hear me anyway!!! What the hell........ if I smile while I'm doing it you probably think I'm waving!!!
Well I'm not ....If your kids have to help you budget and pay your bills...Your to OLD to drive !!!!!!!.Stay the fuck home or get a job at Wal-mart...
And to you , you Bimbo bitch ....smoking a cigarette ,putting on lipstick,and bitching on the phone about why food stamps can't buy beer!!!
You shouldn't even be driving !! I don't feel safe with all the bad choices you've made in your life!!
"How do you know she's made bad choices?" You ask
"Well who in the fuck can't make up their mind what color hair they want so they decide Black roots,fried ,frizzy ,over colored bleach blond,and red on the tips!!! Who?!! People who shouldn't be driving that's who!!!!!"
And Fuck You "I make to much money" you think your car and you are all that..... and all us schmucks should just anticipate when you wanna turn. You make me want to follow you home and tell your wife you've been Boinking your Secretary!!!!! You who take up two parking spaces!!! If you want to know where the dent came from.....It came from me!!! Fuck Face!!!!
And you RICO SUAVEA............ If you were better looking with a bigger dick you wouldn't need a car that far outweighs your salary!!!!
And all you fucks that come from out of town...your the reason for the MINIMUM SPEED posting .....are you kidding me.....get off the damn road if your scared!!!!!!....Holding up Three lanes of traffic 'cause every time a car passes you, you flinch and swerve into the other lanes!!!!!!!
Trying to calm down
Breathing deep......finding happy place!!!!
Breath in
Breath out
Fuck this I'm going to get a beer!!!!!!

Monday, July 21, 2008

Help I was Molested by a Portta Potty!!!!!

We,Double D,Neurotically Yours, Bud Man & I went to the Taste of Pinellas County.For those of you that don't know, the local restaurants come and sell samples of their food for tickets. They sell you tickets to buy food in the hopes that by the time you pay for your food you'll have forgotten that the tickets are $ 2 a piece and that slice of pizza was 4 tickets and beer is 2 tickets and maybe you can't do the math and you'll just throw your tickets on the counter top and ask how much can I get with that? Well I've seen some of the people that go so maybe their not that far off.
Anyway they book bands and give it a festive air..........Fri. Sat. Sun. with a headliner each night.
The night we went it was .............................Rick Springfield!!!!!!!
Oh Yea......Paging Dr. Noah Drake !!!!! Jealous huh????

Bud Man was able to get us some V.I.P tickets, free food, free beer,free beer , free beer. Sweet! And we had V.I.P Portta Pottys. Oh this is fantastic!!!! Free beer,outdoor concert,free beer,selection of food ,free beer, the ocean breeze,free beer, the private pottys not used by the masses of hot stinky, sweaty people!!! Oh Yez Izs Lovz being Vip people!!!!!!
We picked a table out in our Vip area right on the water and by the PP's. So we,Neurotically Yours and I can keep a eye on them,So we could judge which one to use. We even directed Double D and Bud Man to the next in line potty from the one we had deemed ours. Have I told you about Neurotically Yours? Well she's............neurotic!! I act like all this matters to me but really friends I'm a piss whore.....I'll give it up anywhere, In a bucket on a boat,in the bushes by the road ,in the middle of a corn field while its raining,in between cars in the mall parking lot.....Pretty much anywhere!!!! ................(Am I sounding like Dr.Susse?)
We'd reevaluate the suitability after each time it was used. Overweight man with food on his shirt hurriedly enters in PP for over 10min........that PP is no longer acceptable!!!! Even I..... the Piss Whore will pass on this one!!!
I said Piss Whore.....not Nasty Whore!!!! Ewwwww
As the night rolls on I was feeling quite satisfied with life........
Drinking beer , the salty breeze,talking to good friends...
Rick was on stage belting out some very thought provoking lyrics......"Don't talk to strangers!!!!!" Mmmmm....good advice Rick and so true.........your a genius!!!!.......oh and did you ever get Jessys Girl??
I heard shes a stripper at Mons Venus......
and turning tricks on the side....
turns out Jessys a Pimp...
he had more then one girl.....
you should go check it out.
Anyway sitting by the water and drinking lots of beer..... I used the PP's alot!! But now its gettin dark and there is no light in these things!!! And I have night blindness......So as I step into the PP....Something doesn't seem right........Hmmmm.......maybe if I step out I can see maybe if I open the door all the way and stand behind it so the light from beer trailer will shine in I guess I could...
"What are you doing?" Neurotically Yours ask
"Nothing" I reply sheepishly....Feeling stupid and quickly going about my business.
And that's when it happen!!!!!!!!
SPLAT ........................that's the sound of my ass and my hoochi hitting a closed lid !!!!!!
What the fuck does a Portta Potty need a lid for?!!!!!! Why!! I have to know!!!! Whats the purpose? It isn't even a tight fit....It's about 3 in higher then the when my ass and hoochi hit .....they hit hard!!!!
I felt violated and dirty......
I was stunned and grossed out....Ewwww
But I still had to go pee.....
I couldn't go screaming into the night....
had to stay and finish my business......
There was nothing to do after that but drink copious amounts of beer to try to erase the feeling of the seat making contact with my hoochi!!!!!!!
Beer helped ..............................And as I was falling asleep that night I got to thinking..................about the workers ........that would come and clean the PP in the blaze of the morning Florida sun and see
My ass and hoochi smudge print on the lid!!!!!!!!
It made me feel better to know someone else would feel as grossed out as me!!!!
I know ........I know.......
I'm like that!!!!!!!!

Saturday, July 19, 2008


Ever go to someones house ---use the restroom.............then go through the cabinets? either.

Ever go to someones house ---------use the bathroom,then go home and just as your about to fall asleep you start wondering if you flushed the toilet?........No? ..........maybe it's just me.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Reciepe for Love!!

OK ladies I thought I'd share a recipe with ya that I got from my summer reading!!
"What........a recipe?"
I know.........I'm not good at recipes but this one promises to be good Really good!!!!
OK let's clear the room...........
"All the uptight ladies leave in
Cum Sweetener !!!!!!
2 cups fresh squeezed OJ (like I'm ever gonna squeeze my own OJ)
6 hulled strawberries (does this mean cleaned and cut?)
1/4 cp blueberries
1 cp peaches sliced
1 banana
1tbs powered sugar
4 ice cubes
Blend on high
That's right a recipe to make your man's Love Lava,Snake Oil,his Liquid Love ,his Astronaut Juice taste better!!!!!
Bud Man has graciously agreed to be the Guinea Cock.......I mean Guinea Pig for this experiment. Oh don't even act like you don't need a recipe like this 'cause we've all done it or least tried it once. And I bet not one of ya were like "Mmmmmmm....Damn that is good. What do you mean I have to wait 20 min for more?!!!!!"
I think we found out that 20min was a lie!!!! But it doesn't all have to be a lie........
Try it.......Who knows !!!!!!!!
The book I got this from is called Tickle his Pickle

Thursday, July 17, 2008


Mrs. Snooty Primadona Pink Piddy Paws
Holy Crappers

Random Thoughts

I bitch

I bitch

I ........get awards!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was just bitching about awards and everybody took pity on me and gave me one!!!!

I love the bloggy World!!!

These mean soooo much!!!!! I feel like Jan Brady....They like me ...They really really like me!!!!( Is it sad that they mean even more 'cause I was the first to get them in my circle of "i know them " blog friends?!!......or am I just a bitch?!!!!)

Yea that's what I thought !!!!

Anyway Thank you......I'll be giving these bad boys out soon.......... be continued

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

What happen to my shampoo?

I got in the shower this morning and went to shampoo my hair, as I squeezed out the shampoo's mostly water!!!!!............those damn kids..(yes I turned into the villain in a scooby doo cartoon)..
So I got to thinking who was in the shower last?......My first thought is....Prince Charming
His last shower was...........
he showered when we went to................
Hmmmmm...that's funny I can't remember the last time he showered.
When I got out, I asked him
"When was your last shower?"
"What?".......he's buying time............a trick he learned from his Dad
"When is the last time you showered?"
"Oh yea........I was going to shower last night........but.......I ......mumbling"
" I don't know"
Now Bud Man steps up to help him out.Guess he figures being the only two males in the Keep of Women they should stick together.
"Didn't you take one Friday?".......which is still 4 days ago!!!
I guess it was a male bonding moment between them 'cause Prince C says
"Oh yea that's right"
Now don't they know by now that my Super Powers include knowing when anyone in the family is lying?!!!
I'll have to let this one slide.
But on the bright side Prince C was in the pool. Chlorine cleaned him....right?
Well that's what I'm going with!!!
Oh yea...I still don't know who watered my shampoo!!!

Monday, July 14, 2008

It's my Birth Day

Great picture huh?
Today's My Birth Day!!!
Yup......I've been around for 29yrs
Shut Up!!!!!!
Stop Laughing!!!!!!
OK OK ..that's why I quit calling it a Birth Day and more of an anniversary...........
It's my 10th Anniversary of my 29th Birth Day!!!!
I know there are those of you that will say Why lie about your age?......Your beautiful just as you are and I say BULLSHIT!!!.....Probably the bitches with Indian Blood and their whole body is hanging on their cheekbones!!Well I say no one in my family screwed over or screwed a Indian....much to my dismay!!!!! ..My dismay is that I don't have enough Indian blood not the screwed over thing!!!!!
Damn my slow lazy ass ancestors.........
Anyway those bitches that say.......I never lie about my age........I'm proud of how old and how good I look....are married to a plastic surgeon or they have money to afford plastic surgery.........Money makes you look younger then you are.You don't believe me?...............Well just send me your money and watch the years roll off my face!!!! You send me enough and me and Cheer Girl will be looking like the Judds!!!! "Grandpa tell me bout the good old days"
Those sick bastard that say "Grow old gracefully" don't know me. They don't know that I'm a bitch and I fight anything!!!!! I intend to fight this with everything I got........
People find out it's your Birthday..and ask your that's OK......
What the fuck is wrong with these people?!!!!! Didn't their mama teach them any rules....there are 3 rules everyone should teach their children
#1.....Never NEVER ask a woman her age!
#2.....Never ask a man how much money he makes!
#3.....Never ask anyone how much they paid for something!
Three rules to live by.Simple
And those bitches that ask how old I am and then figure out the math of how many years I am older then they are........
"Oh your alot older then I am" They say
.............I say "And yet our kids are the same you must've been having sex at a really young age..........You fuckin slut!!!!"..........hmmm can you tell that has happen to me before?!!
Well here's the unvarnished truth......for those of you who didn't do the math at the top ...........
I am 39!!!!!!

Sunday, July 13, 2008

I have questions

I have questions about my bloggy friends.
First question goes to Holy Crappers
How in the hell do you keep a secret?!!!
I don't have any secrets because I tell all (much to the delight of Bud Man).......I can't keep a secret!!!(just ask Pleasing Procrastinator)
Sometimes I don't even mean to just sorta pops out.
I don't know how you keep the blog a secret.
I talk to my friends about it all the time.
And now here is the really important question for Holy Crappers
How....Oh you intend to explain how you know Pleasing Procrastinator and myself when we show up at your house to party with ya all?!!!!!
Question for Ask Grandma J
Why are there no pictures of you?
Do you look like Grandma from Walton's Mountain?...... home baked cookies and pies...grinding your own flour to insure your family has the best?!
Do you look like Two N a Half Men grandma?..........all Hot and miniskirtishs?!! hm mm I don't think that's a word but you get my point.
How about if you show us just your eyes like Wilson from Home Improvement?
See all the TV references....that's why I don't watch it anymore!!
Next question goes to Pink Piddy Paws
How do you have such a well adjusted break-up?
Your so nice.
You should be driving by his house 50x a night
Slashing tires if he's home with someone Else!!!
Calling his friends to "chat"....secretly finding out if he's miserable!!!
Better yet you should be dating his friends!!!
Come on I'll pick you up and we'll go grab some beer and stake-out his house...I mean hunt him no I mean check on him...YEA!!!!!..(Jumping up fist punching into air above my head....looking like Tom Cruise on Dave Letterman)
Ouch I think I hurt myself.....maybe we should just blog about it some more.
In case your wondering I'm just kidding....calm down. I would never do anything like that...till it's me....Then it's a whole new ball game!!
I hope I didn't offend anybody with these Questions
I don't know why Pink Piddy Paws questions are so small!

Saturday, July 12, 2008

What now Huh?!!!
I say get your ass in the car and bring me my corn!!!!!!>

Thursday, July 10, 2008

WTF Friday

OK What the fuck are all these "awards"?!!!!! How can I get one? Do I kick ass or kiss ass? Cause I'm a ass kissing bitch!!!! IDK You show me the ass and I'll kiss it. I love kissing cybor bloggy ass...mmmmm...
MAYAW.......SMOOCH........hey doesn't smooch kinda look like scotch......yummy scotch.....on the rocks......(mouth salivating....licking lips)......wha...what were we talking about? Oh yea "Awards"
Can I make up my own?
I have print shop I'm sure I can whip something up.I think I'll call it
"Beer N Cheese " award
because there ain't nothing in life that you do or eat that Beer N Cheese can't make it better! That's the truth....Really think about it....
Your having a shitty day what do you do about it ? BEER!!!
Your eating a nasty hot dog what do you need ? CHEESE!!
Trust me friends I've put some thought into the whole Beer n Cheese thing works really does!!! You let me know what you think about this theory.
******20 min later*********
Sooooo it turns out I can whip up a pretty decent looking Award ................but then I can't figure out how to get it to my blog.
maybe a little to much Beer N Cheese for me?
Well shit looks like I'll be waiting for someone else's "Award"!!!!
Get it if you have the Beer N Cheese award you can't do any better?!!!

Who's on top?

They say you burn ...250 calories during sex

Now friends I've got to tell you I love BUD MAN any shape I can get him.....

But really.... does this picture beg the question.......

Who's on top?!
Side note : this picture was taken last Christmas and to be fair this has to be one of Bud Mans most unflattering shirts!!
Went to a birthday party at Bahama Shores Mamas and was talking to Neurotically Yours about pictures from our vacation. She said she had a really bad picture of me , and Double D said you need to post that on your blog. She says no I couldn't do that to her and I just want to say
Thank You!!
Your my hero!!
Oh and remind Double D I have a picture of his ass
Not him being an ass
His actual ass!!!!!
He might want to consider bloggy etiquette .

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

8 kids
7 days
6 adults
10hr drive

We had a great time on Lake Norris TN. The lake House was beautiful. The only thing was it had a lot of steps. 122 steps. From the very top of the loft to the bottom of the boat dock. My legs were burning like a bitch after that first day!!!! Just as I was about to get to the main level I'd have to take a break. Neurotically yours and I came up the steps together and did some heavy breathing in the kitchen for about 15 min. I just want to point out that Neurotically Yours is younger then I ,and nevered smoked and is in just as bad shape as me.
Does this make you feel better about yourself? ask

HELL YEA !!!! Hey if it takes my friends looking as weak ass as me then I'm OK with that.

Here's a chart our smart ass kids started to keep track of how many times someone fell down the staires. This pic was taken in the beginning of the week so not a lot of marks on it. Believe me it had more by the time we left!

Ahhh the mighty men on cooler patrol.....Have you ever seen so many testosterone flying around as when men are getting the cooler full of ice and beer? may be right ....Cooking on the grill is definitely testosterone time #1.

Poor Bud Man........just plain tuckered out from getting and drinking the beer......keep your eye on the hat friends it keeps coming back!

Another tuckered man!!! Trying to hide....peek a boo!!!

The ladies and I decided to do a little line dancing so we put a video in.

And damn if that didn't excite the hell out of Double D. ( I have to admit I find myself hard pressed not to spank that bononcka donk of Neurotically Yours too) Oh and look at the perfect form I have!!

Let the drinking games begin!!!!

Neurotically Yours is shifting the blame.....she must have been losing!

I think the spirit of a dead hillbilly was living in the hat and possessed the wearer!!!!!............A angry hillbilly!!!

This is what we drove home in almost the whole way ....and friends I felt close to Jesus....I did.....I could have performed a miracle myself!!!

What miracle? ask

If I'd had a lump of coal I could have shoved it up my ass and made a diamond.........cause I was so fucking uptight coming off that mountain in the rain.....even Bud Man ask if I might need a Loopy pill!!!!

Neurotically Yours has a slide show with more pictures.....I might be a little to BLOND to figure out how the slide thing works

Sunday, July 6, 2008


We had a GREAT time! Before I post any stories and pictures (oh yea I've got pictures) I'm gonna catch up on reading all your blogs first!!!